Questions of Life
-Can you cry under water?
-How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
-If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
-Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
-Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
-Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
-Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
-What disease did cured ham actually have?
-How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
-Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
-If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
-If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
-Why are you IN a movie but you're ON TV?
-Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
-Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
-If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
The LAPD, CIA, and FBI were all trying to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After 3 months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After 2 weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out 2 hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
Some of the Indian Marketing slogans:
1) Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!
2) Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.
3)Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.
4)A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough -or else they never will be.....
5)Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.
THE BEST ONE :
6) Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc. Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.
-Indian Armed Forces
One day a farm implement salesman visited a new potential customer in hopes of selling him the latest, greatest and most expensive piece of farm machinery his company had ever produced. He found the farmer sitting in the barn with his head in his hands. The salesman introduced himself and explained why he was there.
"Well," said the farmer, "If you can do something for me, I'll buy one of those fancy gadgets."
The salesman could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of such a huge sale, afterall, there was nothing he wouldn't do to make this sale. "Sure," said the salesman, "Just name it!"
"Well," started the farmer, "this morning I came down to the barn to milk Bessie. I put the stool down beside her and the pail under her and was just about to begin milkin' when she got up an' kicked me with her right hoof. I took a piece of rope and tied her right leg to the side of the stall and went around to the left side of her with my stool. I no sooner got sittin' when she got up an' kicked me with her left hoof. I took another piece of rope and tied her left leg to the other side of the stall. Then I took the stool around to the back of her and sat down and was just about to start milkin' when she got up again and swats me in the face with her tail. I didn’t have any more rope so I took off my belt and stood up on the stool and proceeded to tie her tail to the ceiling and of course my pants slided down to my ankles. Right then my wife walks in. If you can convince my wife that all I was going to do was milk the cow, I'll buy one of them things."
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
Jones had for years refused to take planes, and all arguments urging him to do so were made in vain. Finally, one friend said in exasperation, "Listen, why don't you take a philosophic approach? Tell yourself that if your number isn't up, then it isn't up, and take the plane."
"Ah," said Jones, "and what difference would it make if my number wasn't up, if the pilot's number is up?"
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk, and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done!!
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.
* "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
* "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
* "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
* "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
* "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
* "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
* "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
* "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
* "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
* "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
* "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
* "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
* "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
* "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
* "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
* "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
* "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
* "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
* "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
* "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
* "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
From the Russian newspaper: La Pravda
Archeological searches indicate advanced civilisation 1000 years ago
Scholars from Moscow university, having digged 30 meters deep, have found a long network of metal wires, thus proving that 1000 years ago, Russians had a fully operating telegraph network...
Next month, from American Newspaper: USA Today
Searches by archeologists indicate advanced civilisation 3000 years ago
After the discovery at Moscow, our scientists have digged deep into the the ground, and at a depth of 50 meters, they found an intense network of optical wire, proving that 3000 years ago, Americans already had a full telephone network, thus outsmarting the Russians by more than 2000 years...
A week later, from Singapore Newspaper: Straits Times
Archeologist searches indicate advanced civilisation 5000 years ago
After the discoveries at Moscow and America, scientists have digged 100 meters into the ground and found nothing. This proves that Singapore already had a fully functional wireless network 5000 years ago, making us the most advanced country in the world.
After a month-long holiday in the US , my wife and I finally boarded
the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home.
As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched
off, a 6 ft 3' black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row
got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and
yelled, 'HIJACK!'
Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen
And two air marshals were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him
when another voice answered from the back of the plane: 'HI JOHN!'
Marriage jokes
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
------------ --------- --------- ----
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
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It is difficult to understand God. He makes such beautiful things as women
and then he turns them into Wives.
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If you are married please ignore this message.
For everyone else: Happy Independence Day.
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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking.
It's called marriage.
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Girlfriends are like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot and spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there's no choice.
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Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he
would
go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going through hell.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other
ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
>After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
>together was, of course, perfect.
>
>One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
>perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the
side
>of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to
help.
>
>There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
>disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
>loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
>
>Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
>
>Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
>couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
>accident.
>
>Question: Who was the survivor?
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>(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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>Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
>existed in the first place.
>Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
>perfect man.
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>**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
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>**** Men keep scrolling.
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>So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
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>By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates
>another point: Women never listen.
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
what starts with a T ends with a T and has T in it?
Smart People
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where???'
***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother
explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook
her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'
***
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin.
She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene,
I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kgr.
***
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk...
***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and
gave us a 20% discount....
***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to
an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned
her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance
apart no matter which way the head is turned...
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and
told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces
or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs.Smith
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result
shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had so far remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
'You try again.'
How do you drown a blonde?
You stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why do farts smell?
so deaf people can enjoy them too!
whats the difference between tiger woods and Santa?
Santa sticks to 3 hos :)
Would a lion cheat on his wife?
No, but a tiger wood.
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. 'You must act like gentlemen.' They jumped.
To the Americans he said, 'You can be heroes.' They complied.
To the Germans he said, 'It's the rule.' They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said,' It's the consensus.' They obliged.
Then came the Singaporeans and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: 'Free life jackets for those who jumped!'
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(You are singing in your heart now isn’t it? Gotcha… Stop singing and read on....... )
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
A little girl and her mother were shopping.
The girl asks her mother "How old are you?"
Mommy says, "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."
The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"
Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license and examines it carefully
The little girl and her mother are shopping again.
The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old."
Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"
The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weight 120 lbs."
The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that ?"
The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
Lets see how many questions you can answer correctly!
A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked the boy, 'what is your problem?'
The boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!'
Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the tea ch er explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Anna he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Boy: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Boy: '36'.
So it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Anna says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions, can I ask him?' The principal and boy both agree.
Ms Anna asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment 'Legs.'
Ms Anna: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy: 'Pockets.'
Ms Anna: 'What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid'?
Boy: 'Coconut'
Ms Anna: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky'?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.
Boy: 'Bubblegum'
Ms Anna: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs'?
The principal's eyes open really wide again and before he could stop the answer..
Boy: 'Shake hands'
Ms Anna: 'Now, I will ask some who am I sort of questions, ok?'
Boy: 'Yep.'
Ms Anna: 'You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.'
Boy: 'A tent'
Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense He took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: 'Wedding Ring'
Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if you don't get it you have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of. It's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?
Boy: Surname
Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bones but has muscles, lots of veins and loves pumping?
Boy: 'Heart'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher : 'Send this boy to Stanford University ; I myself got all the answers wrong'.
Do you have the standard to get into Stanford??
Ladies and their expectations
What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Positive thinkers
Positive thinking is like this:
A little bird flies up in the sky,
you look up and it shits in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry.
But you thank God that cows don't fly.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Jaden grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it Out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little rascal.
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife sa ys 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,
my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
A young boy asks his Dad,
'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad sa ys , 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..'
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY God!”
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
A truck driver was having a bad day.
His truck had broken down in the country and there was no alternative for the trucker but to walk the ten miles to the nearest farmhouse.
He explained his predicament to the farmer and asked if he could spend the night.
“Sure,” said the farmer, “but I must warn you that i don’t have any daughters. I don’t even have a spare room, so you’ll have to share my bed.”
“darn,” said the trucker. “I’m in the wrong joke.”
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Goal."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
"Goal. I'm ahead 1 nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal, 1-all."
After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Goal I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Goal, 2-all."
The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail. He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart.
Straining real hard, the old man craps in the bed.
The wife asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time . . . switch sides."
The 3 words that can ruin a man
Is it in?
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshol_e!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshol_e' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshol_e!' It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshol_e' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshol_e!' and hung up..
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshol_e (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshol_e, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is..' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshol_e!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea.
I called asshol_e #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshol_e!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'asshol_e, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshol_e,' and hung up.
Then I called asshol_e #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshol_e,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ***,' I answered, 'Well, asshol_e, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.> Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Stupid things people say
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: ‘I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,’
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest–
‘Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.’
–Mariah Carey
‘Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,’
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
‘ I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,’
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
‘Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,’
– Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
‘Half this game is ninety percent mental.’
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’
–Al Gore, Vice President
‘I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix ‘
– Dan Quayle
‘We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?’
–Lee Iacocca
‘The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.’
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
‘We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.’
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor
‘Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.’
–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
‘If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.’
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
13 things PMS stands for
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Joe has been having constant headaches for over 20 years and none of the doctors could fix it. One day he decided to see a specialist.
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’
A young boy went up to his father and said, “Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically.
Can you help me?” The father thought for a moment, then answered. “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars………….. But Realistically,……… We’re living with two sluts and a gay guy.
Signs around the world part 2
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
