Joke Thursday

More jokes........im running out of them!!! And i have a riddle joke for you today! The answer will be posted tomorrow!

what starts with a T ends with a T and has T in it?

Smart People

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where???'

***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother
explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook
her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'

***
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin.
She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene,
I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kgr.

***
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk...

***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and
gave us a 20% discount....


***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to
an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned
her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance
apart no matter which way the head is turned...


***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and
told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces
or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs.Smith

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result
shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had so far remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You try again.'

How do you drown a blonde?

You stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Why do farts smell?

so deaf people can enjoy them too!

whats the difference between tiger woods and Santa?
Santa sticks to 3 hos :)

Would a lion cheat on his wife?
No, but a tiger wood.

The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. 'You must act like gentlemen.' They jumped.
To the Americans he said, 'You can be heroes.' They complied.
To the Germans he said, 'It's the rule.' They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said,' It's the consensus.' They obliged.
Then came the Singaporeans and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: 'Free life jackets for those who jumped!'

Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party