Well, i am lazy to update my blog now. So i shall spend the next few days/weeks updating it with jokes till i finally run out my supply.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
(You are singing in your heart now isn’t it? Gotcha… Stop singing and read on....... )
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
A little girl and her mother were shopping.
The girl asks her mother "How old are you?"
Mommy says, "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."
The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"
Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license and examines it carefully
The little girl and her mother are shopping again.
The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old."
Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"
The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weight 120 lbs."
The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that ?"
The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
Lets see how many questions you can answer correctly!
A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked the boy, 'what is your problem?'
The boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!'
Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the tea ch er explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Anna he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Boy: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Boy: '36'.
So it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Anna says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions, can I ask him?' The principal and boy both agree.
Ms Anna asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment 'Legs.'
Ms Anna: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy: 'Pockets.'
Ms Anna: 'What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid'?
Boy: 'Coconut'
Ms Anna: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky'?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.
Boy: 'Bubblegum'
Ms Anna: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs'?
The principal's eyes open really wide again and before he could stop the answer..
Boy: 'Shake hands'
Ms Anna: 'Now, I will ask some who am I sort of questions, ok?'
Boy: 'Yep.'
Ms Anna: 'You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.'
Boy: 'A tent'
Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense He took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: 'Wedding Ring'
Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' and if you don't get it you have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of. It's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?
Boy: Surname
Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bones but has muscles, lots of veins and loves pumping?
Boy: 'Heart'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher : 'Send this boy to Stanford University ; I myself got all the answers wrong'.
Do you have the standard to get into Stanford??
Ladies and their expectations
What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Positive thinkers
Positive thinking is like this:
A little bird flies up in the sky,
you look up and it shits in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry.
But you thank God that cows don't fly.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Jaden grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it Out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little rascal.
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