Another post with jokes

Its another day with nothing interesting to post about.... So i shall continue the jokes.

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife sa ys 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'


A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....


Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'


Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,
my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'


A young boy asks his Dad,
'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad sa ys , 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '


Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..'

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY God!”


Silence.























Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A truck driver was having a bad day.

His truck had broken down in the country and there was no alternative for the trucker but to walk the ten miles to the nearest farmhouse.

He explained his predicament to the farmer and asked if he could spend the night.

“Sure,” said the farmer, “but I must warn you that i don’t have any daughters. I don’t even have a spare room, so you’ll have to share my bed.”

“darn,” said the trucker. “I’m in the wrong joke.”

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Goal."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

"Goal. I'm ahead 1 nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal, 1-all."

After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Goal I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Goal, 2-all."

The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail. He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart.

Straining real hard, the old man craps in the bed.

The wife asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time . . . switch sides."

The 3 words that can ruin a man

Is it in?

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshol_e!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshol_e' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshol_e!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshol_e' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshol_e!' and hung up..

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshol_e (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshol_e, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is..' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshol_e!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshol_e #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshol_e!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'asshol_e, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshol_e,' and hung up.

Then I called asshol_e #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshol_e,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ***,' I answered, 'Well, asshol_e, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.> Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.